it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
