Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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