Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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