Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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