Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize