I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Randomize
