Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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