The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
