I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Randomize
