my room smells like sperm. sweet.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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