dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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