I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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