i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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