made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Randomize
