Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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