I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Randomize
