Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
you told grandpa to call you daddy
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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