You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
