The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
