I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
