On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
