Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
