Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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