In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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