no, he came in my armpit
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
