Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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