She is in my trunk
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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