So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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