Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
