I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
