we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
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