Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
