i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Mom said you looked used
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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