the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
