Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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