Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
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