Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
