I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
There was a lot of him and a little penis
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
