Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
