my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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