forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize