I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
