4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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