First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
