I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
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