I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
