there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
