woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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