Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
