I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
A+ Viking dick
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
