A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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