i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
