Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
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