I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
