my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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