Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
