I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
