Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Randomize
